Why setting boundaries feels so uncomfortable.
Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no?
Perhaps you’ve agreed to help someone when you’re already exhausted, answered a message because you felt you should, or accepted an invitation when you really needed some time alone.
You know you need to set a boundary, but the thought of doing so makes you feel guilty, anxious or worried about upsetting someone.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Why does setting boundaries feel uncomfortable?
Setting boundaries can feel difficult for many reasons.
You might worry about disappointing people, causing conflict or being seen as selfish. You may also be used to putting other people’s needs before your own.
For some people, saying “no” can feel much harder than saying “yes” — even when saying yes leaves you feeling overwhelmed or resentful afterwards.
You might recognise thoughts such as:
• “They’ll be upset with me.”
• “They’ll think I’m selfish.”
• “I should help them.”
• “It’s easier just to say yes.”
• “What if they don’t like me anymore?”
These thoughts can make setting healthy boundaries feel uncomfortable.
Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong
This is an important thing to remember.
Feeling guilty when you say no doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong decision.
If you’re used to putting other people first, looking after your own needs may feel unfamiliar.
For example, you might say:
“I can’t make it tonight. I need some time to myself.”
You may then feel guilty.
That doesn’t mean you should have gone.
It may simply mean you’re learning that your needs matter too.
What do healthy boundaries look like?
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic or confrontational.
They can be simple.
At work:
“I don’t have capacity to take that on today.”
With family:
“I’d rather not talk about that.”
With a friend:
“I can’t meet tonight, but I’d love to see you another day.”
In a relationship:
“I want to talk about this, but I need some time before we continue the conversation.”
You don’t always need to give a long explanation.
Setting boundaries and people-pleasing
If you regularly find yourself saying yes when you mean no, worrying about what other people think, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, you may recognise some people-pleasing patterns.
Being kind and caring isn’t a problem.
The difficulty can come when keeping everyone else happy means regularly ignoring your own needs.
Healthy relationships allow space for your needs as well as other people’s.
How can I start setting boundaries?
You don’t have to change everything overnight.
Start small.
Before automatically saying yes, pause and ask yourself:
Do I actually want to do this?
Do I have the time or emotional energy?
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I’m worried about saying no?
If you’re unsure, give yourself permission to say:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
You don’t have to feel completely confident before setting a boundary. Sometimes confidence comes after you’ve practised.
When counselling may help
If setting boundaries feels particularly difficult, counselling can provide a safe and confidential space to explore why.
You may want to understand why you find it hard to say no, why other people’s reactions feel so important, or why putting yourself first brings up guilt.
As a BA (Hons) Integrative Counsellor, I offer a supportive and non-judgemental space where you can explore these experiences at your own pace. You don’t need to be in crisis to seek counselling.
Sometimes you simply know that the way you’re coping isn’t working for you anymore.
Counselling in Long Melford, Sudbury and Online Across the UK
I offer counselling in Long Melford, near Sudbury, Suffolk, as well as online counselling for clients across the UK.
Online counselling can offer flexibility and the opportunity to access support from a place where you feel comfortable.
Whether you’re looking for support with boundaries, people-pleasing, anxiety, relationships, self-esteem or simply feeling stuck, counselling can provide a confidential space to explore what’s going on.
If this article has resonated with you and you’d like to explore counselling, please get in touch through my website to find out more or arrange an initial conversation.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries?
You may feel guilty because you’re doing something unfamiliar, particularly if you’re used to putting other people’s needs first. Guilt doesn’t necessarily mean your boundary is wrong.
How do I set boundaries without feeling selfish?
Looking after your own needs doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people. You can be kind and supportive while still having limits.
What if someone gets upset when I say no?
You can’t control another person’s reaction. You can communicate your boundary respectfully while accepting that they may feel disappointed.
Can counselling help with people-pleasing and boundaries?
Counselling can give you space to explore people-pleasing, self-worth, relationships and the reasons you may find it difficult to set boundaries.
Do you offer online counselling?
Yes. Online counselling is available across the UK, providing a flexible way to access counselling from your own space.
You don’t have to keep putting yourself last
Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first.
But having needs doesn’t make you selfish, difficult or uncaring.
You matter too.
If you’re struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing, relationships or putting your own needs first, counselling could be a place to start.
Get in touch through my website to find out more about counselling in Long Melford, Sudbury or online across the UK.